I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
