im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
