Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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