how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i love accidental penises.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
