three words: i give head
three words: not that well
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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