My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
