Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
