Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
