I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
