Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
