God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
