New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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