Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
