Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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