??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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