dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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