I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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