You can't special order awesome
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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