I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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