please come you make the beer taste better
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
