I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
