i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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