No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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