I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
