Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
