so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
