You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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