So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
