i love accidental penises.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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