Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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