The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
