She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
