I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
