It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Banned from zoo.
Again?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
