I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
