U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
