I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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