His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
