and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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