WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
