Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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