Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
