Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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