my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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