I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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