I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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