Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
