a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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