imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
