Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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