im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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