just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
