you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
