Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
is wine microwaveable?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
